5 Reasons Why the OITNB Finale Pissed Me Off


I started Orange is the New Black last week. I liked it.
I finished it last night. I didn’t like it so much.*

Here’s why: (SPOILERS!)

1. Healy, you ignorant dickhole, WHAT IS YOUR DAMAGE?


I get that you’re a lesbian hater, you douche, but you started your crap with Piper before the whole Thanksgiving fiasco. And I also get that you now have it in for her after your little chat in the SHU and the fact that she squealed to your big-nosed superior—but to turn the other way as she’s about to get stabbed?! Seriously? I sincerely hope you get yours when season 2 rolls around because I hate you even more than Pornstache. Prick.

2. Alex, you vindictive tramp, mind yo business!


Larry had to say whatever he had to say to make himself feel better, even if he didn’t believe it. That didn’t mean you had to set the record straight by effectively destroying the image he had of his fiancé, which then prompted him to think long and hard about his future with her. Piper chose Larry, you said your peace and were totally justified in saying she couldn’t keep running to you. But you could’ve kept your mouth shut. Seriously.

3. Larry, you little bitch, man up!


Did you think this was gonna be easy, buddy? Your fiancé spends a year in prison and nothing would change? First off, you gotta square away your issues with her past and her sexuality. Second, for crying out loud, stop exploiting her experience for your own career gain. You are not the prisoner, she is. Her days behind barbed wire fences are not fodder for articles and radio shows. All of that annoyed me even more than your abrupt dumping of our girl, Pipes. Think you’ve got it bad, do ya? Cry me a river.

4. Pennsatucky, it’s about damn time someone put you in your place.


What’s worse than a bible-thumper? A bible-thumping hypocrite. I can’t stand holy rollers, so nothing gave me greater pleasure than watching you rattle the bars of a cage claiming your christianity wasn’t insanity. Look at you, being hailed as a hero by all your little fans, when you were actually on your fifth abortion. Cheese and rice, you little methhead tramp. And Piper’s responsible for your trip to psych, how exactly? She didn’t force you to jump that girl in the bathroom, you did that all on your own. If it wasn’t for Piper, you might not have even left that place, so your response is to try to kill her? Serves you right, getting your face bashed in. Your voice, like sandpaper on skin, will not be missed.

5. Piper, get your goddamn head in the game!

Do you want to escape Litchfield unscathed or do you want to make waves? Do you want to keep your head down or do you want to beat the shit out of another inmate? Do you want to cower in the shower or do you want to stand up for yourself? Figure these things out or find a happy medium because the hot and cold and back and forth has to stop. And how were you not hella pissed at Alex for what she said to Larry? It’s her fault you’re not getting married! And if you’re going to wimp out with a screwdriver, but then go apeshit on someone’s face, maybe you need to reevaluate your life. Just a suggestion.

P.S. I thought the scene pictured above was one of Taylor Schilling’s best. I teared up, her desperation was that poignant.

Overall, I liked OITNB. I liked getting the inmates’ backstories and I liked that it’s unlike anything I’ve ever seen before. I’ll probably watch season 2, even though we recently found out that Laura Prepon (Alex) won’t be returning as a main character. The rest of the cast was so colorful and engaging though. They made prison look fun. Side note: I pictured prison more like what we see in The Walking Dead—you know, without the corpses. I guess they reserve those places for rapists and murderers?

Your turn, readers: Have you watched OITNB yet?
Those of you who happily devoured it—will you be back for season 2?

*Sometimes television gives me rage issues. NBD.


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