NSFW – Luke Macfarlane can’t get an “Erection”

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Welp, color me disappointed …

Luke Macfarlane (who played Scotty in Brothers & Sisters) stars in this 9-minute film, Erection, from director Tannaz Hazemi. Tagline: “Can Dean get an erection in time to save his relationship with his girlfriend? In bed, the day before he leaves town, the couple struggles with his flaccid penis.” The short, which had been released (only online) June 14, also stars Bonnie Swencionis as Selby (yep, Selby, not Shelby) whose acting credits include episodes here and there of 30 Rock, Law & Order and White Collar.

I came across the trailer (after the jump) for this random little nugget of soft porn while YouTube searching for Luke during my post-B&S hangover. Almost everyone in the comments gushed about how hot it looked, but none actually admitted to buying and watching it. Ahem. I fell on that grenade for you all. You’re welcome.

After a YouTube comment chat with the director herself, she assured me Distrify was legit, so I put $3 in my PayPal account (the safest option, legit or not, IMO) and streamed it once I had the house to myself. I guess I wasn’t sure what I was expecting. It seems the hottest moments made their appearance in the trailer leaving little else to, um, look forward to.

After an awkward opening of heavy metal and animals gone wild, the voiceover suggests that this couple has been going through a rough patch. We hear, “We have to figure things out before you leave,” in between all the smooching and panting. Then, like a switch has flipped, things aren’t so hot and heavy anymore. Selby tries to help and tells Dean to “be patient.” He accuses her of not being ready either. She apologizes, saying it’s been a while. As previewed in the trailer, she asks him to think about what he thinks about when he masturbates … which is apparently being a dad?

That quick little fantasy sequence had Scotty Wandell written all over it—carrying a baby in a kitchen, wearing jeans and a hoodie, I was waiting for Matthew Rhys to walk through the door. Now THAT I’d pay to see …

He instead describes a day where she showed up with blonde hair “for a job.” (Actress/model/porn star?) We get flashbacks of when they snuck into the bathroom of a shitty Italian restaurant about to close and pretended she was a “Swedish slut who didn’t speak English.” Selby leaves the bed and comes back wearing the same dress from that day. She proceeds to do the most awkward trying-to-be-sensual striptease/dance I’ve ever witnessed. At this point, I honestly expected boobs. But nope. So it’s PG-13 soft porn?

This does nothing for Dean who is clearly getting frustrated, then he tries to laugh it off. Selby cries. And his response to that is to roughly dive between her legs. Better for her (get yours, girl), but still doesn’t do quite enough. She sneaks out, leaving Dean to ugly cry in bed while whacking off to a framed photo. I think the relationship’s over, dude.

I was disappointed in this the way I was disappointed in Magic Mike—if I want to watch a couple struggle to have sex in a tough real-life situation and have it be this big metaphor for a love that’s run its course, then make that be the focus of the trailer. Don’t show me chiseled men stripping on a stage and then have the movie actually revolve more around a guy who likes to make furniture. SHOW ME THE MONEY. Still, for just $3 it wasn’t exactly a waste. And props to Tannaz Hazemi for successfully making it real enough that it was borderline uncomfortable to watch.

Anyway, this experience proves that you discover some truly interesting things when you find new favorite actors. For example, on my nightstand right now is a movie starring Matthew Rhys where he plays a Welsh poet opposite Keira Knightley—wouldn’t have even known that existed without first falling for Kevin Walker. Much like how my obsession with Johnny Depp started a decade ago (yes, it’s seriously been that long since we first met Captain Jack Sparrow) and now my favorite films of his were actually the ones released when I was still a kid.

I had such a soft spot for Scotty and not just because he was with Kevin. (More on that in my K&S analysis.) So I’m a little disappointed that I can’t quite follow the trajectory of Luke’s career like I’m now doing with Matthew’s. (I believe Luke has done more stage work than film.) Another reason I’m thoroughly disappointed in Smash‘s cancellation: I read on EW (where else?) that he would have become Tom’s new love interest. And judging on that (GIF-worthy!) post-Tony’s kiss, that would have been such a fun plotline to follow.

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Have you ever furiously scoured the internet for an actor’s work? Whose?
Ever come across something as tempting as “Erection?” Did you indulge? 
😉

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2 thoughts on “NSFW – Luke Macfarlane can’t get an “Erection”

  1. Thanks very much for this review. I wondered about what happened in Erection. I was waiting to watch it on YouTube (since it’s only a short) but I guess that day will never come. The best back catalogue I’ve ever seen was that of Leonardo DiCaprio. He’s always been a class act. Some of his best movies were his childhood ones.

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    • Hi, Louise! I totally agree with you about Leo. I’m a big fan of The Basketball Diaries and What’s Eating Gilbert Grape. And I LOVE Catch Me If You Can … and Shutter Island. He’s pretty high on my list of favorites. 🙂 Thanks so much for reading!

      Like

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